Pretty sure I saw my ex at work tonight. It’s so weird seeing people I used to know, I try to just avoid it. I don’t have particularly fond memories with a lot of people from my past, so I generally just try to pretend like I don’t recognize them. I don’t want to play catch up and pretend like I care where they are in life. It sucks, because I work somewhere where I’m bound to see people from my past at one point or another. I’ve been fairly lucky and haven’t really had to bump into too many people I don’t want to bump into, but I guess my luck is starting to run out in that department. I just have a little under a year before we move and I can start over fresh in a new city. I’m going to miss my coworkers a lot though. I’ve made some really great friends at work, and I do feel a little bit sad now that I’m finally starting to connect with them and hang out with them outside of work. This weekend I’m going to see a Christmas musical with one of my coworkers. We’ve started talking a bit over Facebook too and I feel like I’d have a lot of fun gaming with her some day. There’s another coworker that wants to hang out together outside of work after the holidays whom I really like. She’s weird like me and just the kind of person I feel like I can be ridiculous and goofy with and she won’t judge me, because she’s just as weird and goofy. Some people are just really easy to flow with. I’m going to miss these people a lot come time to move. But, I am really excited to start over somewhere new too. ♥ I’m probably going to have to learn French. I know a little bit but not enough to really get by, and we’ll be living in a dominantly French area I think. Thank goodness most people around there are bilingual, but I’ll probably still try to learn to make things easier, and I do have a lot of family who are French, including my grandmother, who I’d really like to connect with a bit before she passes. I’ve never really had a connection with any of my grandparents, which makes me sad. I wish I got to connect with my grandparents growing up and have a relationship with them. I feel like that’s a staple in a lot of people’s childhoods that I missed out on. My sisters live around that area as well though whom I also didn’t get to grow up with, and I’m really excited to connect with them and get closer to their families. Two of them have kids already, and I feel like I’m falling behind in that department. It’s such a weird thing, seeing everybody around my age with kids, and still feeling so unsure if I even want any. I don’t feel like I’d make a good parent. I feel like there’s a lot I still need to heal, and I’m afraid to bring someone into this world and not be a good parent for them. And there’s just a lot of pressure. I’m in my 30s, the clock is ticking. I don’t even know if my husband and I can have kids. We haven’t been taking precautions, but it’s been awhile and I’m not getting pregnant so, maybe it’s not in the cards for us. I know he wants kids though, and I don’t want him to look back at his life 30-40 years from now and that be one of his biggest regrets in life. It just sucks, being in a place where I feel so uncertain about it, and not even sure if I’m physically capable. Above all else, I don’t want to let him down. After we move if I’m still not pregnant by then, we’ll go get our fertility tested and see where we’re at. I’m a little bit overweight and that could also affect fertility. I’m really going to try to lose the weight in the New Year though. I need to before my sister-in-law’s wedding.
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Anyways, that’s my rambly post for tonight!