Had such a fun day out with a friend today. We went to go see the new Mufasa movie and it was sooooo good. I feel like the more we hang out the more at ease I feel. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a friend like this, who’s genuinely a good person and who shows up, and we have a lot in common. I feel rusty at socializing like this but I think we’ll get a lot closer over time and I’ll get more and more out of my shell each time we hang out. I really like her.
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There’s another girl I work with who I think I may start spending more time with outside of work as well this year. It feels so nice to finally have girl friends again. The more I think about moving away, I kind of start to feel sad because I’m finally starting to find my place. It’s a lot of conflicting feelings, I guess. I hate that a lot of people from my past are here that I don’t want to see, but I’m also meeting new people and finally making some real friends, good friends, and healing a part of myself that I didn’t think could be healed. And on top of that, I may possibly have an incredible job opportunity coming my way soon, and if I get it, it’s going to make it even harder to want to leave. But I’m just going to try and be present as much as I can right now and enjoy my time while I’m here. In a lot of ways, I think moving back to my home town was necessary in order to heal a lot of things. I’ve learned a lot about myself since moving back here, and while some aspects of being back here are uncomfortable, I think ultimately this was the path I was meant to take in life and I’m heading in the right direction. I think my 20s-early 30s has been a lot of closing old chapters to my past that never fully got closure and healing, finally healing, and now my 30s is going to be a lot about becoming who I am meant to be and moving forward in a lot of ways. It’s funny because for years, I always had this weird feeling there was going to be a ‘death’ of sorts when I hit the age of 30. I don’t really know how to explain it, just a weird premonition. It’s just a thought I’ve had for a decade or more, that I was going to die at a the age of 30. Obviously, it wasn’t a physical death, I’m still here, but more of the end of a cycle sort of death. And really, it kind of was. Leading up to my 30s was a lot of unbecoming of what I was, a death of the past and the old that no longer served me, realizing a lot of things from my past that I didn’t see before, and healing a lot. I had a really big energetic purge the year I turned 30 as well, a very spiritual experience that lasted months. I talked a bit about it I think in one of my blog posts in my Sacred Space. It was to the point I had to see a reiki healer because at times it felt like more than I could mentally and emotionally handle. Anyhow, my spirit finally feels at peace and it truly does feel like a new chapter is beginning in my life, and I’m really looking forward to what my 30s will bring.
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In other news, it’s almost my website’s 2 year anniversary! Crazy to think I’ve been doing this for nearly two years now. This place has evolved so much since it first started. I was pretty angsty when I first joined the small web movement, and honestly, I was still pretty heavily in fight or flight mode from the events of 2020-2022. I think we all went through a lot of collective trauma from the events of those two years, it took awhile to really come down from that and feel grounded again. I don’t feel like I need to have a political campaign on my site anymore or preach to the world what my views are on things lol. I know a lot of people wanted me to put my ‘Rabbit Hole’ section back up but I don’t really feel motivated to do that anymore. If I ever do, it won’t be what I had originally intended it to be. I’ve realized that politics, in the grand scheme of things don’t mean much and just divide us more. People will believe what they believe, and screaming at the top of our lungs at other people about how they’re wrong, and what we should be doing and why doesn’t actually make a difference, because we as a collective don’t know how to effectively communicate with one another in a healthy way. We can talk, but it’s fruitless because the people we’re trying to reach have their walls up and aren’t actually listening. We all think we’re making a difference by being bold and speaking loud and proud about what we believe is right, but all we’re really doing is preaching to the choir of other people who already agree with us, getting approval from our echo chambers. That might fuel our cause but it’s fruitless if the message doesn’t actually get through to its intended audience. And I don’t know that it ever will, because we all have very different perceptions, different lived experiences, and very diverse views on what is morally right and what is not. So I don’t really know what the answer is, but all I know is that I lived through hell 2020-2022, I fought a lot back then, and now all I want to do is rest and experience peace. All that being said, I am aware there is still a bit of a political undertone to my website. If you’ve been following my blogs, you’ll know Satyadasa is a combination of two Sanskrit words; Satya and Adasa, meaning truth and freedom from slavery. I’ve also based a lot of my fictional realm’s lore around my perception of the events of 2020-2022 and how I perceive the world. I do feel like it holds a subtle political meaningfulness, because that is really how my website was born. This website, or “realm”, was born from a place of wanting a space where I could speak my truth, and be free from the censorship that’s gradually overtaken big tech social platforms in the past 5-10 years. There’s also the Free Speech Webring, which was born from some feelings of rejection when I first came here during my more angsty period. I am still really happy I made it and was able to provide a space for others who support free speech. Anyhow, while these undertones do still exist on my site, I’m really just in a more grounded, happier place. I feel more at peace, and that’s really the direction I want my website to reflect going forward. The political undertones for now are more being used as the inspiration behind the creative lore of this fictitious realm I’m planning to expand on in the future.
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As for the Small Web Facebook page, yesterday I spent most of the day scheduling nearly 30 posts for this month. One featuring a different personal website. I want to try and really be consistent with it and grow the page more. I want more people to discover the Small Web and see it as an avenue away from big tech. Ironically, despite my very clear use of AI with various aspects of this website, I have been connecting with some people about the Small Web being primarily anti-AI. I’m still not totally sure where that leaves me in this movement. xD I came into this movement vehemently against AI, and then kind of gradually started to experiment with it and discover its usefulness with productivity. I’ve also been using it as placeholder art to help me build up the vision of what I want my site to look like. I’ve finally been starting to replace the AI art, gradually. I’m not even sure I’ll be able to totally replace it but, one step at a time. I’ve been toying with the idea of learning pixel art. I’ve always loved the way pixel art looks. If I ever manage to get myself into that, then one day my NPC’s AI art will be replaced with that. As for all my backgrounds, those will all eventually be replaced with Tiny Glade and my own personal photography filtered. It definitely won’t be an overnight process though.
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Anyways, I think that’s pretty well all I have to say for today. Lots going on in my life and lots going on with this site. 🙂 I’ll do a bulletin board post on my Town subdomain of all the recent changes from last and this month soon.